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Writer's pictureReed

When it rains, does it matter to the cloud?

To an extent, every human that is even a little introspective is a philosopher. If you've ever asked "why," and you're not asking something like "why is the sky blue" (mie scattering), or "why did you just stab the door, Jack," you've done a bit of philosophizing.


Why, when my father is hallucinating himself through his final moments, does my car decide to take a shit several hundred miles from home? Why did the car wait until after the warranty period expired, even though it has less than 30k miles on it? Why does dad hallucinate the things that he does? Why do his friends feel the compulsion to tell us, his adult children, how to feel? How to act? Those things all have answers, even if science can't explain all of it right now. What doesn't - why is this life?


Life is suffering. That's not the best way to explain that Buddhist concept - dukkha is the ceaseless, unsettled craving for things, people, situations, sensations, but craving. In Buddhism, there are centuries upon centuries of thought and philosophy to explain existence. Dukkha is, itself, one of the four noble truths. In short, the four noble truths are that suffering exists, that suffering has a cause, it has an end, and that there is a method to end suffering. The eightfold path is the way to end suffering. It's a good guide - recognize the four noble truths and accept them (above), make a conscious choice to follow the way to end suffering (follow the eightfold path), be honest and avoid being a dick in several different ways, avoid violence and sexual deviancy (ish - I'm not a monk nor am I a practicing Buddhist, so definitely not a bodhisattva), don't kill or hurt other people and animals, avoid negative emotions like jealousy and anger, have a clear understanding of your own mind and wellbeing, and meditate on all of this.


Like I said above, but to elaborate - I am not perfect. I'm not a religious scholar, and I'm not spiritual. I did, before the days when it was allowed for me to be in the military and doing the job I wanted to do in it, want to be a chaplain at one point. However, my personal philosophy does include a very strong belief that spirituality is extremely personal, deeply-felt by all that have beliefs, and is key to understanding where and how to meet other people where they are. Understanding and accepting that everyone believes different things at different times and they are no less important to them than your own belief system, such as it is, is key to understanding other people.


I consider myself, at this point in my life, to be a tolerant agnostic. I believe that Pascal's Wager is a cop-out, but that people that use it to justify belief in God are allowed their belief because, ultimately, it's still their belief and that's what faith is. I believe that for me, religion is a comfort that will either find me again or it won't - I grew up believing in the god that I was raised to have faith in, and then my world was turned upside-down and has teetered on its axis ever since. I believe that more than anything, we are an accident of chemistry, physics, and later, biology. I believe that my beliefs will change again at some point, because they have in the past, but they're unlikely to be much more mystical than science and philosophy. I believe that deriving meaning from anything that cannot be observed or proven is hard, and that I envy the people that can. I believe that my father, whose favorite Bible passage is Psalm 23, has every right to love it and find comfort in it.


The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

When I first lost my faith, I did so in a fairly predictable way. I read the bible again, wrote down a lot of questions, and went to speak to my minister at the time - he and I had a series of extremely interesting conversations, but he was ultimately unsuccessful in keeping me in the fold, so to speak. I left, and I went to my first solace in life - books. I read up on so many different religions, developed a love for Epictetus, and digested other people's thoughts through their written words. I understood that what I was reading was filtered, reworded, edited and not necessarily the truth of those author's beliefs. I joined, eventually, a Buddhist temple. I saw sand mandalas created, destroyed, and dumped in a creek. I fucked with tarot, and other weird woo things.


And I settled on where I am now. Balance is key. Science, when possible, is the truth but knowledge evolves. Beliefs can and should change based on better information. Philosophically speaking, I do ask myself nebulous questions like "why" quite often, and I don't have those answers, and I won't.


What will I do when I'm in my dad's shoes?


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